Dating Tips for Finding the Right Person
A healthy,
loving relationship can enhance many aspects of your life, from your emotional
and mental well-being to your physical health and overall happiness. For many
of us, though, finding someone we want to share our lives with can seem like an
impossible task. But don’t despair, even if you have a history of relationships
that don’t last or if you feel burned out by traditional and online dating, you
can still learn how to find lasting love.
Obstacles to finding
lasting love
Life as a single person offers many rewards, including learning
how to build a healthy relationship with yourself. However, if you’re ready to
share your life with someone and want to build a lasting, worthwhile
relationship, life as a single person can also be very frustrating.
Finding the right romantic partner is often a difficult journey,
for several reasons. Perhaps you grew up in a household where there was no role
model of a solid, healthy relationship and you doubt that such a thing even
exists. Or maybe your dating history consists only of short, abrupt
relationships where you or your partner gets bored too soon, and you don't know
how to make a relationship last. You could be attracted to the wrong type of
person or keep making the same bad choices over and over, due to an unresolved
issue from your past. It's also possible you're not putting yourself in the
best environments to meet the right person, or that when you do, you don't feel
confident enough to approach someone. Whatever the case may be, it's important
to believe that a healthy romantic relationship for you exists in the future.
It's also important to recognize that relationships are never
perfect and always require lots of work, compromise, and a willingness to
resolve conflict in a positive way. To find and build any relationship worth
keeping, you may need to start by re-assessing some of your misconceptions
about dating and relationships that can prevent you from finding lasting love:
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Common Myths About Dating and Looking for Love
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Myth
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Reality
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“I can only be happy and fulfilled if I’m in a relationship.” or
“It’s better to have a bad relationship than no relationship.”
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While
there are health benefits that come with being in a healthy relationship,
many people can be just as happy and fulfilled without being part of a
couple. Despite the stigma in some social circles that accompanies being
single, it’s important not to enter a relationship just to “fit in.” Being
alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Nothing is as unhealthy and
dispiriting as being in a bad relationship.
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“If I don’t feel an instant attraction to someone, it’s not a
relationship worth pursuing.”
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This
is an important myth to dispel, especially if you have a history of making
inappropriate choices. Instant sexual attraction and lasting love do not
necessarily go hand-in-hand. Emotions can change and deepen over time, and
friends sometimes become lovers—if you give those relationships a chance to
develop.
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“Women have different emotions than men.”
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Women
and men feel similar things but sometimes express their feelings differently,
often according to society’s conventions. But both men and women experience
the same core emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, and joy.
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“True love is constant.” or “Physical attraction fades over
time.”
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Love
is rarely static, but that doesn’t mean love or physical attraction is doomed
to fade over time. As we age, both men and women have fewer sexual hormone,s
but emotion often influences passion more than hormones, and sexual passion
can become stronger over time.
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“I’ll be able to change the things I don’t like about someone.”
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You
can’t change anyone. People only change if and when they want to change.
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“I didn’t feel close to my parents, so intimacy is always going
to be uncomfortable for me.”
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It’s
never too late to change any pattern of behavior. Over time, and with enough
effort, you can change the way you think, feel, and act.
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“Disagreements always create problems in a relationship.”
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Conflict
doesn’t have to be negative or destructive. With the right resolution skills,
conflict can also be an opportunity for growth in a relationship.
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When we start looking for a long-term partner or enter into a
romantic relationship, many of us do so with a predetermined set of (often
unrealistic) expectations—such as how the person should look and behave, how
the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill.
These expectations may be based on your family history, influence of your peer
group, your past experiences, or even ideals portrayed in movies and TV shows.
However, retaining many of these unrealistic expectations can make any
potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel disappointing.
Consider
what's really important when looking for love
What feels right
to you?
When looking for lasting love, forget
what looks right, forget what you think should
be right, and forget what your friends, parents, or other people think is
right, and ask yourself: Does the relationship feel right to me?
The first step to finding a suitable partner is to distinguish
between what you want and
what you need in
a partner. Wants are negotiable, needs are not. Wants include the things you
think you'd like in a partner, including occupation, intellect, and physical
attributes such as height, weight, and hair color. Even if certain traits may
appear to be crucially important to you at first, over time you'll often find
that you've been needlessly limiting your choices. For example, it may be more
important, or at least as important, to find someone who is:
- Curious
rather than extremely intelligent. Curious people tend to grow smarter
over time, while those who are bright may languish intellectually if they
lack curiosity.
- Sensual
rather than sexy.
- Caring
rather than beautiful or handsome.
- A
little mysterious rather than glamorous.
- Humorous
rather than wealthy.
- From
a family with similar values to yours, rather than someone from a specific
ethnic or social background.
Needs are different than wants in that needs are those things
that matter to you most, such as values, ambitions, or goals in life. These are
probably not the things you can find out about a person by eyeing them on the
street, reading their profile on a dating site, or sharing a quick cocktail at
a bar before last call.
What
is a healthy relationship?
A healthy relationship is when two people
develop a connection based on:
- Mutual respect
- Trust
- Honesty
- Support
- Fairness/equality
- Separate identities
- Good communication
- A sense of playfulness/fondness
Source: UW Seattle
- Don’t make your search for
a relationship the center of your life. Concentrate on
activities you enjoy, your career, health, and relationships with family
and friends. When you focus on keeping yourself happy, it will keep your
life balanced and make you a more interesting person when you do meet
someone special.
- Remember that first
impressions aren't always reliable. Especially
when it comes to Internet dating, people don’t always accurately portray
themselves. Regardless of where or how you meet someone, though, it always
takes time to really get to know that person. You have to experience being
with someone in a variety of situations, some good and some not so good,
before you really know him or her. For example, how well does this person
hold up under pressure when things don't go well or when they're tired,
frustrated, or hungry?
- Be honest about your own
flaws and shortcomings. Everyone has a
flaw—or several—and, for a relationship to last, you want someone to love
you for the person you are, not the person you’d like to be, or the person
he or she thinks you have the potential to become. In many cases, what you
consider a flaw may actually be something another person finds quirky and
appealing. By being honest and shedding all pretense, you’ll encourage the
other person to do the same, which can lead to a fulfilling relationship.
- Invest in a vertical
relationship before you invest in a horizontal relationship. Don't be too
quick to make a relationship sexual as it often becomes harder to develop
a good vertical relationship afterwards. Even though it can be difficult
in this day and age, try to take your time to get to know someone first.
It will only lead to a more satisfying sexual relationship down the road.
Online dating, singles events, and matchmaking services like
speed dating may prove successful and enjoyable for some people, but for many
they lack spontaneity and often feel more like high-pressure job interviews
than fun social occasions. And whatever dating experts might tell you, there is
a big difference between finding the right career and finding lasting love.
Think of your time as a single person as a great opportunity to
meet new people, expand your social circle, and participate in new events.
Instead of scouring dating sites or hanging out in pick-up bars, find and
participate in activities that interest you. Make your focus having fun,
whatever that means to you. You don’t have to be the life of the party or be
endlessly cracking jokes to have fun. But by pursuing activities you enjoy and
by putting yourself in a new environment, it's likely you'll meet new people
who share similar interests and values. By focusing on simply having fun, even
if you don’t meet that special someone, you will still have enjoyed yourself
and maybe forged new friendships as well.
Here are some tips to find fun activities and like-minded
people:
- Volunteer for a favorite
charity, animal shelter, or political campaign. Or even try a volunteer
vacation (for details see Resources section below).
- Take
an extension class at a local college or university.
- Sign
up for dance classes, cooking classes, or art classes.
- Join
a running club, hiking group, cycling group, or sports team.
- Join
a theater group, film group, or attend a panel discussion at a museum.
- Find
a local book group or photography club.
- Attend
local food and wine tasting events or art gallery openings.
- Be
creative: Write a list of activities available in your area and, with your
eyes closed, randomly put a pin in one, even if it’s something you would
never normally consider. How about pole dancing, origami, or lawn bowling?
Getting out of your comfort zone can be rewarding in itself.
At some point, everyone looking for love is going to have to
deal with rejection—both as the person being rejected and the person doing the
rejecting. Some people can be overcome with anger, embarrassment, or anxiety
when faced with rejection, or are so frightened of it happening again, they
avoid dating or starting new relationships. Others find it so difficult to
reject another person, they find themselves caught up in prolonged, unhealthy
relationships.
By staying positive and being honest with yourself and others,
handling rejection can be far less intimidating. The key is to accept that
rejection is an inevitable part of dating but to not spend too much time worrying
about it. It’s never fatal.
Tips
for handling rejection when dating and looking for love
- Don’t take it personally. If you’re
rejected after one or a few dates, the other person is likely only
rejecting you for superficial reasons you have no control over—some people
just prefer blondes to brunettes, chatty people to quiet ones—or because
they are unable to overcome their own issues, such as a fear of
commitment. Be grateful for early rejections in a relationship as it can
spare you much more pain down the road.
- Don’t dwell on it, but
learn from the experience. Don’t beat
yourself up over any mistakes you think you made. If it happens
repeatedly, though, take some time to reflect on how you relate to others,
and any problems you need to work on. Then let it go. By dealing with
rejection in a healthy way it can increase your strength and resilience.
- Acknowledge your feelings. It’s often
normal to feel a little hurt, resentful, disappointed, or even sad when
faced with rejection. It's important to acknowledge your feelings without
trying to suppress them. If you practice mindfulness, you’ll find
that staying in touch with your feelings helps you quickly move on from
negative experiences.
It's important to be aware of red-flag
behaviors that may indicate a relationship is not going to lead to healthy,
lasting love. In such cases, it's better to cut your losses early, rather than
invest time in a relationship that isn't good for you or the other person.
Trust your instincts and pay close attention to how the other person makes you
feel. If you tend to feel insecure, ashamed, or undervalued, it may be time to
reconsider the relationship.
Common relationship red flags:
- The relationship is alcohol dependent. You
only communicate well—laugh, talk, make love—when one or both of you are
under the influence of alcohol or other substances.
- There’s trouble making a commitment. For
some people commitment is much more difficult than others. It's harder for
them to trust others or to understand the benefits of a long-term
relationship because of previous experiences or an unstable home life
growing up.
- Nonverbal communication is off. Instead
of wanting to connect with you, the other person’s attention is on other
things like his or her phone or the TV.
- Jealousy about outside interests. One
partner doesn’t like the other spending time with friends and family
members outside the relationship.
- Controlling behavior. There
is a desire on the part of one person to control the other, stop him or
her from having independent thoughts and feelings.
- The relationship is exclusively sexual. There
is no interest in the other person other than a physical interest. A
meaningful and fulfilling relationship depends on more than just good sex.
- No one-on-one time. One
partner only wants to be with the other as part of a group of people. If
there’s no desire to spend quality time alone with you, outside of the
bedroom, it can signify a greater issue.
Dating tips to help
you find love #5: Deal with trust issues
Mutual trust is a cornerstone of any close personal
relationship. If there is no trust in a relationship, it's impossible for you
to feel safe and cared for by another person, or to make that person feel safe
and cared for. In other words, without trust, lasting love can never blossom.
Of course, trust doesn’t develop overnight; it develops over time as your
connection with another person deepens and you learn more about each other.
However, if you're someone with trust issues—someone who's been betrayed,
traumatized, or abused in the past, or someone with an insecure attachment bond—then you may find it impossible to trust
others and find lasting love.
When you’re unable to trust others, your romantic relationships
will be dominated by fear—fear of being betrayed by the other person, fear of
being let down, or fear of feeling vulnerable. But it is possible to learn to
trust others. By working with the right therapist, you can identify the source
of your mistrust and explore ways to build trust in existing and future
relationships.
Therapy for
trust issues
The key to overcoming trust issues in your personal
relationships is to work with a therapist you feel comfortable talking to,
someone who will be your partner in overcoming the problem. Obviously,
having trust issues can make finding a therapist you trust and feel comfortable
with difficult, but for many people the therapy process can be the ideal way to
learn to trust again.
Don’t be discouraged if you think therapy is inaccessible or too
expensive. Group therapy may be more affordable than individual therapy and can
be just as effective at dealing with trust issues. In fact, having more people
present means there are more opportunities for you to practice developing
trust. Alternately, some individual therapists will accept sliding scale
payments where you pay what you can afford for each session, while some
community organizations offer therapy at discounted rates. To learn more,
read: Finding a Therapist Who Can Help You Heal.
Learning to develop trust is a process, but with the right help
you can be rewarded with richer, more fulfilling relationships and the chance
to find lasting love.
Remember that finding the right person is just the beginning of
the journey, not the destination. In order to move from casual dating to a
committed, loving relationship, you need to nurture that new connection. It's a
process that requires time, effort, and a genuine interest in the other person
as a whole. It also requires an openness to compromise and change.
All relationships change over time. You’ll change over time,
your partner will change, and so will both of your needs and expectations. What
you want from a relationship at the beginning may be very different from what
you and your partner want from that same relationship a few months or years
down the road.
For a romantic relationship to blossom into lasting love you
need to be willing and able to:
- Invest in the
relationship. No
relationship will run smoothly without regular attention, so ask yourself
if you are willing to invest the time and effort into this relationship.
Often, after the initial blush of romance has faded, couples switch off
from one another, but the more you invest in each other, the more you grow
to care. Find things you enjoy doing together and commit to spending the
time to do them, even when you’re busy or stressed.
- Communicate openly. Is your
partner genuinely interested in your thoughts and feelings? Are you
comfortable expressing your own opinions, thoughts, and feelings around
this person? Are you playful, open, and able to laugh together and enjoy
each other's company? Your partner is not a mind reader, so tell him or
her how you feel. When you both feel comfortable expressing your needs,
fears, and desires, the bond between you will become stronger and deeper.
- Resolve conflict by fighting fair. Some couples
talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and
passionately disagree. No matter how you approach the differences in your relationship,
the important thing is that you aren't fearful of conflict. You need to
feel safe to express the things that bother you without fear of
retaliation, and to be able to resolve conflict without humiliation,
degradation, or insisting on being right.
- Accept change. Every
relationship changes and goes through good and bad periods, but overall a
healthy relationship should continue to be good for you. It should bring the best out in
you and should not only make you happier, but also make you a better
person: kinder, more empathic, and more generous.
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