If you thought yelling was less harmful than spanking your
child, understand that none is a way of disciplining your child constructively.
There isn’t such a thing as perfect
parenting. We all learn with our experiences. As a parent, disciplining your
child is one of the biggest challenges you will ever face. When you discipline
children, you help them learn how to and how not to behave. But it’s easier
said than done. Many things that kids do can get on your nerves -misbehaving,
disobedience, spilling milk on the carpet, whining about buying a toy at the
store, not doing their homework, etc. So, what do you resort to – spanking or
yelling? Your parenting decisions or style can have long-term
psychological effects on your child. Whatever you choose, you need to be
aware that there is a difference between bad behavior and annoying behavior.
When you spank or yell, the chances are that you are annoyed.
Spanking – the hurting and embarrassing
smack on the bottom
Our generation has grown up hearing ‘spare
the rod and spoil the child.’ While some of us don’t believe in the saying
anymore, there are many who abide by it. But spanking your children is only a
temporary solution. It does more harm than good. The truth is that there is a
high possibility of spanking being fuelled not by your kid’s behavior, but by
your anger and frustration. Children may listen to their parents at that point
in time. They may not repeat the behavior due to fear of being hit and not
because they think it’s wrong. And the side effects of all those beatings show
up only later. Spanking increases the risk for increased child aggressive
behavior [1]. Children may begin to think that violence is the way to solve
their problems. Physical punishment has been associated with adverse outcomes
like child aggression, mental health issues, and physical abuse. Frequent
spanking makes a child irate, vengeful, insecure, and they often suffer from
low self-esteem. (Read: 5 things you should not
do to punish your child)
Yelling – the new spanking
The chances are that the few of us who have
sworn not to hit their child will resort to yelling. After all, it’s better
than hitting. Or is it? The simple act of screaming your lungs out could turn
out to be potentially harmful depending on what and how often you yell.
Raised voices are almost a norm in every
household. You inadvertently yell for a child who is far away. When children do
something unsafe like running into the street, etc., it’s only natural to
scream out to them. And at times, parents need to speak the unpleasant truth to
their children in a stern tone. Occasional outburst at such times wouldn’t be
damaging to children and in fact, could be on the contrary. But watch out the
words you throw at your child while yelling. Using demeaning language,
name-calling, belittling or threatening while yelling can amount to verbal
abuse. Verbal abuse in childhood can have a lasting adverse impact. Findings
suggest that childhood verbal abuse may contribute to the development of some
types of personality disorders [2]. A study has linked it to an earlier
age of onset of bipolar disorder [3]. (Read: Punishment versus rewards
– Striking a balance)
Yelling may instantly get your child’s
attention. But there is nothing constructive about this discipline technique.
Children respond to the psychological aggression in either of the two ways –
freeze or yell back. When screaming becomes a routine, there is a high
probability that your kid will take you seriously only when yelled at. The
child may even build up a tolerance to your yelling. Also, remember that most
children follow in their parents’ footsteps. By bellowing, you model the
behavior that you wouldn’t want to see in your child. Your child may grow up to
be aggressive. Some children could end up just the opposite – disgraced and
withdrawn.
There are alternatives to spanking and
yelling
When you are desperate, tired and angry,
spanking or yelling seems like the best and easy way out to discipline your
child. But all the spanking and yelling in the world can’t teach discipline to
children until they are developmentally ready to learn it. So, what are your
alternatives?
You cannot instill social behavior in an
infant. No form of physical discipline can help. How do you manage one then? An
infant’s only means of communication is crying. Just respond to the baby’s
basic needs for food, warmth, comfort or security and you have learned to
manage one [4].
Toddlers are naturally very curious, a trait
which can put them in potentially dangerous situations. Fatigue and hunger may
promote negative behavior in them. They also struggle to cope with the conflict
between wanting to be independent and the reality of being dependent on adults.
This conflict can cause temper tantrums in them. And expecting them to do
something before they are capable only adds to the difficulty in disciplining
them. Firstly, maintain diet, rest, and sleep routines in your toddler so that
the tantrums don’t occur. When tantrums do occur, it is best to ignore their
actions. Distraction can be a very useful tactic for managing toddlers. Giving
them choices whenever possible can help them feel a greater sense of autonomy.
Reward their positive behavior. (Read: 10 things good parents do
with their kids)
Preschoolers are better able to recognise
and understand others’ feelings. Timeouts can be effective in disciplining
them. A few minutes of timeout away from the current situation can help
children calm down and think about their actions. It can then be accompanied by
clear explanations of expected behavior in the future. Generally, the guideline
for timeout is the number of minutes per child age in years. Revoking
privileges, when used appropriately, can be helpful. Children need to be told
that a particular behavior is unacceptable and if continued it will result in
removal of a privilege such as not being allowed to watch their favorite show
on TV or to play with the favorite toy, etc.
Older children spend a lot of their time
away from home and hence are no longer always under direct supervision. As a
parent, you need to explain clear rules and consequences. Since these children
are more independent decision makers, they can take part in framing family
rules. They can be ‘grounded’ for a reasonable period for breaking the rules.
Lastly, you need to be fair and consistent
when it comes to disciplining. You can be flexible at times. Give your children
the space to spread their wings and keep them disciplined too. Praise your
children openly, condemn them secretly. Understand the reasons behind their
behavior. Withdraw your mind from the situation and take a deep breath when you
find yourself losing control. It will help you consider the situation
objectively. You need to control your behavior to be able to help your kids
regulate theirs. Aim to correct less and connect more.
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